Let me start off my saying this:
Oh my sweet divine goodness. I am so blessed to be here. to be alive. to be breathing. to be sharing each second and every single moment with the beings that inhabit this earth. I have so much to be thankful for, I always do, but reflecting on this new moon and all the wonderful tidings these past few weeks have brought to my attention, I am particularly feeling this rather explosive sense of JOY.
Two weeks ago I was in utero. I’m always in utero to some degree. My gemini mind and the constant stream of content I subject my sense organs too usually results in varying degrees of chaotic peace in my inner sanctum, this much is normal. Looking back on early March, however, I placed myself in an immense internal debate as to when I should leave this beautiful island, and to where my journeys would take me. To varying degrees it was nerve wracking and spiritually taxing. These tax collecting thoughts of the ego: “where should I go”/”what should I do” are for all extents and purposes totally unnecessary and at the same time an absolute necessity.
I’ve had 2 dark-chocolate-peanut-butter-ginger-jam sandwiches, countless tablespoons of honey, and a pitcher of coffee in the last few hours. I’m sugared up. awake. and totally wired. This is going to get a little crazy.
Last night was odd, good, tired, and a little frantic. Just when I think I’ve found some new-found-inner-peace some multifaceted ultra-dimensional feeling comes along and stokes a fire that steeps me in melancholy, throws me off kilter, and combats my zen.
deep breaths. kind mantras come to me.
I’m sad and I don’t know why. Phantom smells. Sweet dreams. Sometimes I think I have a brain tumor. All of what troubles me is entirely internal. This is a unique and beautiful battle. I find myself longing for eternal sleep, but with each deep victory I find myself closer to being what I consider truly free.
free of thoughts. but not all thought, free of my minds incessant wandering. free from the fear of death. free from the fear of fear.
Last night some funny things happen that have led me to say this:
Tom Cruise saved my life.
That’s not entirely true. In fact it might be lacking in more than a couple thousand iotas of legitimacy, but I did in fact catch a showing of “Ghost Protocol” at the Hilo dollar theater when I was feeling down on my spirit and that gentle, proletariat script, filled with it’s subtle emotional tugs, and intense quasi-thematic action packed elements, (ODDLY ENOUGH) definitely set my mind back on a clearer and more collected path. I never wanted to go to Russia before, now I think it’d be kind of cool. I used to know a beautiful girl who went to Dubai on a family vacation. Maybe I’ll start a family and we’ll go to Dubai someday. At one point Tom Cruise uses gloves to climb one of those sparkly desert skyscrapers. That’s pretty awesome. I know some little kids on Kauai who would go crazy for a pair of those.
So, yeah. Thanks Tom Cruise. Thanks Bad Robot guys. Thanks corporate baphomet media. Usually I despise you and renounce you and blame you for the worlds problems and get so bitter I could burst, but last night I saw a different side of caesars coin and was able to laugh and smile and clench the arms of my seat at all the little pixelated sequences of your funny little movie. If I do ever end up in a FEMA prison camp, can you at least play some cool Tom Cruise movies on the background while I pick away at some hunk of rubble or move bags of cement? That’d be really cool. I’d ask for some Brad Pitt too, but I don’t want to push it too much. Really though, thanks.
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks.
It’s nice to shut up the mind from time to time and be reminded of the things and people that I love.
Completely unattached attachment.
But for real. All schizoid wanderings aside. I walked up to the jungle oasis in the dark under the pale orange glow of those quaint hilo lights. It was raining. I don’t mind the rain. I took my shirt off and put it in my backpack and started walking back up the hill. I passed a graveyard and I thought about dying. I took my sandals off so I could feel the earth beneath my feet and I said a prayer for all the pickled dead people whose bodies reside there. I sang a little song and said a little prayer for whatever shrouds of spirit may or may not still reside there. I put my sandals back on and walked up the hill in the rain and thought about God and death a little more. I though about what would happen if I got hit by a car. I thought about all that I want to do before I die. I remembered an image I had in my mind a couple years ago when I was on my way to see the movie Inception. I imagined myself on a bicycle getting run over on the side of the road. I imagined how my bones would crack and break and how my blood filed lungs would spurt their last breath. I imagined the pain in my eyes as my spirits went their separate ways and as my crippled body died.
There was a tornado later that day. I biked down to the graveyard and tried to hear some spirits but I just found a funnel cloud instead.
I got back on my bike and rode into the storm. I asked god to help me not think thoughts like that ever again. I still have them almost every other day. This is my healing, however it comes. This is my meditation. I don’t want to get smacked by some car and have that be it. I don’t want to attach fear toward dead any dying things. I want to be joyful and imagine spontaneously combusting on stage to a crowd of millions or walking in the woods as an old man and never waking up from a tree side sleep. I want to imagine taking a leaf from Enoch’s book and with no knowledge of anything else find myself amongst that complete sense of love and hate and oneness that the physical manifestations of consciousness on this earth know as YHWH. I want to sing into the darkness and be a light in this world.
I want to eat crazy foods and learn how to dance.
I want to do yoga with the homies on the beach and work on my jumpshot.
Wants and thoughts. Desire. Relationships.
There’s a key to all of this I am told is unATTACHMENT. For now I just give thanks. For now I’ll just play music and walk around and do my best and focus on my breath.
But that’s not really why I started writing this. This is just a little foundation to let you in on what goes on in my mind. What I really, really, really want to share, ABOVE ALL ELSE, is how incredibly joyful and blessed I am and have been and will be.